It’s a new month next week, and I’m so ready for it

[edit: As this post goes live, my optimism has dwindled ever so slightly but I am allowing this post to go public as originally planned because I need it as a reminder of what is important: taking care of me. Fuck everyone else1].

It all started in 1995. My history of heartbreak; the original iteration of ‘fragileheart’ though I didn’t take on that name until five years later. And almost predictably, I continued to have bad years in 2005, 2010 and 2015. The severity of each heartbreak never dwindled, but my ability to bounce back and continue to “love like I’ve never been hurt” simply grew2. And this year, I feel more ready than ever to continue that growth.

Love has always been a priority in my life. I think I proved that when I focused on moving to Ireland to follow said heart instead of focusing on my career fresh out of University. I think I knew that I always had what it takes to accomplish what I want in other areas of life – whenever it was that I was ready to do so. I think I’m ready now.

There’s a large part of me that doesn’t care if the love that I’ve found doesn’t succeed the way I want it to. There is a larger part of me that has this incredible blind faith that it will so long as I focus on taking care of me3.

I took life into my own hands five years ago4 – partially out of necessity but that shouldn’t take away from the fact that the desire and determination was there – and it has been a wild ride. The first three years were rough5 with an absolute bottom less than two years ago. While I will always be proud of the semester I spent driving a school bus to make ends meet, I can’t and won’t deny that it was an act of pure desperation. That’s in the past though; speaking as a freelancer, last year was my best year; and this year is set to be even better.

I wrote out some goals this year. I also bombarded my twitter followers with some of my resolutions, and I’m incredibly happy with the progress I’ve made on all of them. Yes. Already. At the beginning of this year, I opened my heart up to joy and it has come barrelling in. Suddenly the things that used to bother me so intensely don’t bother me nearly as much, and the things that do bother me are easier to let go. I’m aware that sudden changes like this should raise some sort of flag, so I’m being mindful about that6 but by now – it’s been over 21 days. Any bad habits that I had of jumping to negative conclusions, or holding on anything negative have – theoretically – been broken.

I’m taking things one moment at a time, then one day at a time, then one week at a time… and so on :) Life is good, because I chose for it to be. But, let’s be get a little more real: I’ll admit that I also had enough motivation to follow-through with that choice. It isn’t always easy to pull yourself out of a7 hole, but once you find that big push you needed, it’s important to hold on and just go with it. Don’t let anything weigh you down – or do – sometimes you just need to visit the dark side again… but for the love of god, don’t linger there. Go back to the light. Always go back to the light.

Now can someone tell me how I ended up making Star Wars references?

In all seriousness, how is your year going? What great things are you going to accomplish this year?

Footnotes:
  1. but you know, if you need me. I’m here for you[]
  2. which, coincidentally, explains the never-dwindling heartbreak severity[]
  3. as long as it isn’t at the expense of ‘us’[]
  4. well that sounds morbid, I assure you that is not what I mean[]
  5. financially[]
  6. don’t you worry about me[]
  7. mental and/or emotional[]

From the archives:
Confused

I didn’t write about it, but we hit a very big hurdle in November, over something that happened in October. And though he forgave me, I always thought it happened rather quickly because he seemed to have forgiven me, and was back to treating me like nothing happened within a week. We’ve had arguments between then and now, but nothing major. Except ’til right before I left for holidays.

He had been drinking, and it doesn’t matter what we argued about. But he started talking about how if two people aren’t compatible maybe they should just give up. We went to bed without really resolving things that night. He eventually said to me that he thinks we should keep trying… but the next day I wasn’t really convinced. It took me a while to get over it and think that we were going to be okay. The hardest part of it all was that it came out of no where. I wasn’t trying to argue with him at all, and it somehow turned into a critical argument.

Anyway, a week or two passed with no major events and then I left for my holiday. When I got back, he had been amazing… as per the last few posts. But this Friday, when I met him at the pub for a few drinks… I’m not quite sure what happened. Apart from him being drunk that is.

His friend had gone to the bathroom, and he started talking to me about random things.
Like, am I going to start spin class this week.
Yeah, me and what money?
He offers to pay for it.
That still doesn’t work. I don’t get home till 6 and I’m usually starving.
He says I shouldn’t eat before working out anyway.
True, but I’d rather not faint which I will if I work out and not eat. Especially since I’ll have to walk home after working out for over 75 minutes, not to mention I’ll be walking to the gym too. That’s an extra hour of exercise that he won’t be getting. Not to mention I do a hell of a lot more walking on a daily basis to and from the bus stop and during my lunch break at work since I don’t drive. Not to mention all the walking with heavy groceries I have to do because I don’t have a car.

That seemed to satisfy him. So he moved on to the fact that I always have to go to the bathroom before we leave any place. And it wasn’t a simple observation because I tried to explain to him that I just had a terribly small bladder and as an example: Everyday after work I make sure to go to the bathroom right before I leave the building and by the time I get off the bus, I have to make sure I speed walk to get home so I don’t piss my pants. But he wouldn’t let up. He was trying to pick a fight with me and I just really didn’t have the energy. So I said I would go and that I would just see him tomorrow, even though we had plans for him to stay at my place that night.

As I walked out of the pub, he followed me and after I said that I don’t even understand what I did in there that made him so angry and that it wasn’t fair. He brought it up. And just completely exploded at me. I don’t really want to elaborate on it anymore because… I just don’t. I can not make heads nor tails of what is going on inside his head. And even though he promised me that we would talk about things on Saturday. We didn’t. We had a nice date instead. But I’m still confused.

There one where I get a little cynical

love

I’m a hopeless romantic, and I think that’s my biggest problem1, the fact that I’m hopeless about romance. I think that while I was growing up, the notion of being hopelessly romantic was the best because it meant that one would be romantic no matter what; that you would choose love, no matter what.

Now that I’m older, and not less prone to my impulses, I’ve come to the realization that it’s pretty stupid silly to be hopeless about the subject of love and romance. Being a hopeless romantic means that you are the type who would do anything for the person who is lucky enough to earn a place in your heart. “Ain’t no mountain high enough, Ain’t no valley low enough, Ain’t no river wide enough, To keep me from you”; and other such unrealistic proclamations, these are the sort of things you’d hear someone – who was a hopeless romantic – utter. It’s lovely, isn’t it? Doesn’t it awaken those butterflies in your stomach? Make your heart race, and your palms sweat? Me. Too.

Of course, as I’ve already stated – all that romantic stuff is unrealistic. You swoon while you make promises of such grand gestures and your ‘love’ is elated because, “Oh my god, you’d do all that for me? I feel so special”. Of course, unless you back it up with actions that demonstrate your dedication, you’re just a liar. Maybe that’s a little unfair – maybe you didn’t mean to lie about the things you’d do to make the other person happy; maybe you had every intention to do those things but life got in the way. Either way, it still proves my point – being a hopeless romantic is really one being just hopeless. Maybe there’s nothing romantic about it all. We were just taught to think so.

Now say, you’re on the other side of that coin and you are the one who needs to hear such proclamations of adoration to truly feel loved. Well, you’re fucked too aren’t you?. The odds of you meeting someone who a) will adore you enough to speak to you like Romeo spoke to Juliet, b) will actually mean every word they say, and c) will share your hopeless romanticism is smaller than… something with really small odds2.

All I’m trying to say is that once upon a time, I believed in Once Upon a Time. And now I realize that all those fairy tales ended in a wedding or a marriage to someone they barely knew, with no follow-up story for how their lives actually played out. All that we were told was that they lived “happily ever after”, but we were never given proof. So I think it’s time to put away my hopes of finding the kind of adoration that I am, seemingly, cursed to feel for my partner. It’s time I realize that the way I love is the way that I love, and that anyone else I may pair up with isn’t going to love me the same way, but that doesn’t mean they love me any less. I guess.

So far, I’ve always known what I know about love. But for the first time in my life, I’m really unsure. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Footnotes:
  1. when it comes to relationships[]
  2. I am not a statistician[]

A good practice day

I sing. A lot. I’ve written about this love more than once. It simply makes my heart happy. Sometimes I like to sing a little more seriously than others; I think normal people call it ‘practicing’.

One day, I had a great practice. I still didn’t earn an A+, though; My brain decided to drop the lyrics about three quarters of the way through the second chorus but I didn’t let that faze((it just occurred to me how long it has been since I have used that word, man does it look freaky)) me. I skipped a couple of lines and took a breath for the part that was coming up: The hardest part. The bridge1.

You see, in this particular song, there’s a really high note that’s held for a long time and then it changes notes and you have to make it to sound as if sung from the same breath as previously mentioned! Well, fuck me. I have loved this song though. It’s my song. I’ve been trying to conquer it for so long and I have yet to get 100%. Maybe all I need is just one2, but I won’t know if I don’t get that first one.

[It’s funny how sometimes you could be writing about one thing yet there are a myriad of other life aspects it could be applied to. I digress.]

That day, not only did it feel perfectly comfortable skipping those words but I nailed the bridge. It felt so good. Better than sex3. And that was enough for me that day. I felt accomplished. On top of all that, I figured out a thing or two about my own voice and the inner workings of it. All by myself4.

I’d still prefer to get voice lessons at some point in my life; one day :) For now, I’m just going to have to keep figuring it out on my own5.

What’s your favourite hobby?

Footnotes:
  1. say that in a deep bass voice[]
  2. 100 percent[]
  3. okay maybe they’re equal[]
  4. no, that was not the song[]
  5. no that was not the song either[]

An open invitation to joy

IMG_2461Life had become so negative for me. Over the last few years, life had become so negative. I don’t know when it started and I don’t know how I allowed myself to get so lost in it but it was before my last long term relationship1. 6 months after I moved out, and I’ve had plenty of time to think about what went wrong and why life seemed to have gotten so dire.

The start doesn’t matter, what happened doesn’t matter; that isn’t what I want to write about. I want to write about the change I am consciously going to will into my life this year. Currently, when something upsets me or hurts me I have this terrible habit, this awful learned behaviour to focus on the negative. Once upon a time, I was able to embrace the pain, process it and allow myself to learn what I needed to learn from the experience. That’s the healthy way to experience life, and I have been incapable of it for a while now. I know better. I know I’m capable of doing better.

I’m glad I am where I am. I’m glad I’m able to call out this problem, and know that now I can begin the journey to being2 healthier. There’s a part of me that wants to thank a certain someone for coming into my life and inspiring this change, but that wouldn’t be very fair to me. I’m extremely grateful that he’s in my life, and that he challenges me in ways that have helped me see this problem. I am making the choice to do something about it though; me. No one else can make this decision for me, and I am proud to say it from the proverbial rooftops that I am making the promise to do better this year.

So I am putting a call out to joy. My life has been lacking in joy3 for far too long, and it’s time to change that. And that change begins with me.

What changes are you going to make to your life in 2016?

Footnotes:
  1. the one many of my friends know about[]
  2. mentally[]
  3. and zen[]